Chapter Thirty-Seven: Pushing the Stone

Day to Day Stuff

With all the angst I was now putting myself through, now I was under the analytical gaze of my in-laws. My father-in-law was a true man's man who loved to go deep sea fishing, watch football and feast like a king. He had been a four-year football player at Wisconsin and was considered draftable. But a knee injury put an end to that. Our relationship was prickly from the time we first moved into his home. I know he saw me as a bleeding-heart liberal and let's face it, not good enough for his daughter. Sure, we watched Boxeo de Mexico and football together but outside of that I was only barely tolerated. While it started as a joke, my nickname became "meathead", like the character Mike Stivic on All in the Family. I was working at a photo lab and going back to college to finish my degree in music. That went over well, too.

But I would not be fair if I didn't mention the best part about living with the in-laws: the food. Oh my God what an amazing assortment of dishes we had there! My mother-in-law was a fantastic cook. My favorites included: Ox-tail soup, seafood chowder, chicken noodle soup and the best sushi and sashimi I ever had. Father-in-law loved barbecuing and had a smoker. We had smoked fish, beef, turkey and chicken regularly. Steak tartar for New Year's Day and loads of incredible appetizers. A great afternoon out with Neal was going to several smorgasbord restaurants in one day, coming back dizzy with the high calorie count. I could do that in my skinny days.

Then came the Silent Treatment from my mother-in-law. When I violated a rule of etiquette or protocol in the home, or just said something stupid, I was treated as if I did not exist. I remember the first time this happened, when I had no clue what was going on. I walked into the kitchen and she was washing dishes.

"Hi, Merle."

Silence, washing.

"Lani out with PJ?"

Silence, moving around the kitchen, not even meeting my eyes. I am a ghost. Worse, I am a non-person. I have to wait until Lani gets home to find out what my transgression was and avoid that behavior in the future. When my probationary period is up I am then spoken to again.

And woven through it all were the fears I could not put to rest. You're a horrible person for all these thoughts. She doesn't trust you around the baby any more. What good is a fucking degree in music, anyway? How will you support a family by working in a photo lab? They would be better off without you.

And so on.

But holding me together, keeping me strong in the face of all this, was the unwavering love and sense of duty to little PJ and Lani. I didn't have any real plan for the future yet outside of keep working harder.
A Dark Day

One Sunday night, December 8, 1980, I was working the night shift at the lab. I was listening to the local rock station, KTYD out of Santa Barbara. The evening DJ, a guy named Zeb Norris, came on and said: "Please stay tuned after this commercial for a very important announcement." Okay, so maybe Led Zeppelin is coming to town, or Joe Walsh dropped in at the studio. (He lived in SB at the time.) But no. Zeb came back on the air, clearly struggling to maintain his composure.

"Listeners, we've just gotten word over the news wire that John Lennon was shot in New York City and is dead. A gunman approached him at his hotel as Lennon and his wife Yoko Ono were returning from dinner with friends and killed the former Beatle with several shots at point blank range. The gunman has been apprehended and details will follow." This was followed by John's recording of Imagine.

I sat there in shock, not knowing what to think. John Lennon murdered? What the fuck?! I called cousin Joe and asked if he had heard. He said they just got the news in the middle of a documentary about the Doors. We talked about how bizarre the whole thing was. I hung up and did my best to finish my work for the night, listening to the updates as they came in. On the way home that night I was driving up Harbor Boulevard back to the house when something caught my eye. It was a brilliant glow, slowly making its way out into the Pacific. I stood outside my car, watching it fade over the horizon. "John?", I asked. Turned out it was a misfired rocket from Nevada that got destroyed over the ocean. Strange stuff.

I was sitting in an easy chair in the living room when my father-in-law got home from his job. He could tell I was down. Lani told him it was because John had been killed.

"Good", he said, "Now go get the other ones." Can't top that.

The next day the news was full of the reactions around the world. In my vocal techniques class at college we talked about our memories of John and what the boys from Liverpool had meant to each of us. I had an emotional moment that night at work when it all overwhelmed me. I really felt I had lost something, not just a man but a part of my past. A given that I just assumed would always be there. It could happen just that fast, to anyone.

Travellin'

In December Lani, PJ and I went out East to visit my folks. This was an intense time for me, as I was returning to the family household as a Dad in my own right, carrying baggage I had never anticipated. While things at times got prickly with the parents, I enjoyed seeing all my old friends and my two sisters. Leslie was pregnant with her first child and I told her about the difficulties I was having. She sympathized with me but as it turned out that legacy never came to bother her. Looking back it doesn't surprise me. Any oldest child will tell you that the parents usually refine their methods from the first go-round. Mom really got a kick out of seeing the first grandchild.


Movin' On from Town to Town

After we got back I started thinking that we had to get a place of our own. It was obvious that the in-laws were telling Lani that I was a bum going nowhere and she was torn between her feelings for me and the need for their approval. Lani was offered a job in Santa Maria, up in the Central Valley of California, managing a travel agency owned by the people who had trained her in Santa Barbara. We moved there in July and stayed until just before Christmas. The job was a disaster and both of us were feeling lonely and out of place.

We ended up getting an apartment across town from the in-laws back in Ventura, which relieved the pressure somewhat. Lani got a job at a local grocery store and I got my job back at the lab and started really learning how to cook and keep a neat house. While it wasn't domestic bliss, it was secure enough that we actually started talking about having another baby. What remained unsaid, unanswered, was "Why?"

We had some nice neighbors but the place was too busy, too noisy. We moved into a small duplex in a quiet neighborhood, anticipating the arrival of our newest child. While Lani and I had had some conflicts over money and other petty stuff, I saw us as being OK together, a view shared by our friends. I still felt like I wasn't doing enough to help us progress, though. I wanted to take the next step up in my career. But how?

38: Careful whatcha wish fer....